I have heard of a thing called pleasure. It sweeps across the desert, stinging my eyes and getting in under my clothes. Red faced and raw I let the force of it take me to the ground, obliterating my footsteps, erasing the past and all paths to the future. When the sand clears, I am alone. And the hunt begins again. Always, and unrelenting.
I am the dopamine hunter. Pleasure may be the prize, but the hunt is purpose. Dopamine is our driver, our “want” and motivation. In the hunt I am alive, directed, clear. Death falls into the abstract and I shake it off. Anticipation is an absolute, a full and declarative space to be. I have stalked my prey across cities, into strange alleyways and dark familiar corners…
Now, since coming back to Earth, it is only the want I crave. I miss the hunt. The pleasure prize was always shifting, arbitrary, a product of environment, genetics, and opportunity. But the chase has dug deep tracks in my brain and my dopamine system will take time to reset itself to new (healthier) motivations. But what do I look forward to when I feel most myself being where I’m not supposed to be, matching my motions to the whispers of tall grass? I need the hunt. I am the hunt.
My kitchen is a disaster and the bathroom needs to be cleaned. I wonder how people do it? Maybe you could tell me? What is there beyond the hunt? I don’t want to gather bits of things to sustain my humanity. I don’t want to martyr myself for some equally arbitrary cause. I don’t want to do it all for somebody else. I want to want!
And so here I am, chasing the most dangerous pleasure of them all. I dare to create. I dare to make real the nothingness of dreams and expose the root vision of self that has sustained me. Today I glory in my humanity by inviting you into your own. No more hiding out of sight in the tall grass… waiting. I work long hours the rest of this week, wearing my name tag with pride – albeit on someone else’s shirt. And I seriously need to do the dishes! But by creating this post I have fed my limbic mascot (Mitch the insatiable human itch) and I am whole… until the hunt begins again… tomorrow.